Troll 2

Vegetarian Propaganda: 9/10

The Color Green: 9/10

Trolls: 0/10

When I was in the second grade, I was in a play called “The Shoemaker And The Elves”.  I was the lead role(of course), Hans the Shoemaker, and I had a very distinct acting style: I read the lines word-for-word with no emotional content(“It is like a finger pointing away to the moon…”-Bruce Lee).  I bring up this fond memory (shout out to McKinley Elementary alumni!) because it seems someone saw my acting when I was 8 years old and became a director.  Then, when he was making a little movie called Troll 2, he thought back to my wonderful performance and said, “This is how it’s going to be…”.  The rest is bad movie history(and I end up uncredited and screwed).

Joshua’s family is taking a vacation to a little town known as Nilbog, population 26.  To prepare for this trip, he speaks to his Grandpa Seth’s ghost, who spends his afterlife telling Joshua about creepy goblin stories(not trolls…goblins).  When Joshua is sufficiently scared, Grandpa Seth disappears and leaves the crying child to be dealt with by the living, a family with seemingly little ability to emote.  They pack up their van and head for Nilbog(I wonder why it’s called that…), and things immediately take a turn for the non-sensical.  The townsfolk all seem a little strange, and when the family arrives at the house they will be staying at, an odd scene is waiting.  A feast!  And on all of the food in the feast….some green stuff!

Now let me tell you a little something about this town.  First, everyone in the town of Nilbog (Goblin backwards) is a goblin.  I sort of hope that fact was obvious.  Second, goblins are apparently very strict vegetarians, and although they want to eat you, they have to feed you some weird green stuff to turn you into a plant first.  Third, and I did not know this, goblins possess the power of teleportation.  Once you know all of this, the plot of the movie is pretty easy to figure out.  Everyone in town just keeps offering food to the family, and one-by-one people are picked off and eaten(once they become plants, of course).  Joshua, still being helped by his dead Grandpa’s ghost, spends the movie trying to warn his family about the danger they are in, but nobody listens to a stupid little kid with imaginary friends(trust me on this).

I am reminded of Ewoks...but these guys are cuter.

Well, Grandpa Seth isn’t totally imaginary, especially when he busts out of a mirror to take off a goblin’s hand with an axe(lumberjack style!).  Working with his Grandpa, Joshua is finally able to make his family see that everyone in town is a goblin, but then he gets whisked away to the goblin’s secret lair…a house in the woods.  The goblins are all married to a witch that gives them powers from a stone that I think is from Stonehenge(don’t ask), and the only way to defeat them is to put your hands on the stone….yeah.  As Joshua tries to do just that, all of the goblins come to stop him, and he is able to hold them off with a double-bologna sandwich!  As Joshua concentrates(I’m not sure on what exactly), the goblins start to explode!  The family is free to go home and be done with this horrible vacation….until the goblins return and eat Joshua’s mom.  The end.

Oh man, that last paragraph made my brain want to punch my eyes.  There was a lot going on that was just stupid, but all in all it was…….yeah, pretty horrible.  The goblins seem to meet in secret in their human forms to have fake church sessions where they talk about how bad meat is(the bastards!), there is only one actual female in the whole group(Smurf style), and the day was saved by processed deli food.  Also, there was way too much help from the ghost for my liking, especially when he was randomly given the ability to manipulate the physical world.  Steer clear of this movie if you know what’s good for you, I can’t imagine taking anything worthwhile away from it.  Also, don’t listen to vegetarians….they actually just want to eat you(OK, you’ll take away one thing….).

Thank you so much to Colleen for the suggestion, it was both bad and a movie, qualifying it for a place here.  I appreciate all of the suggestions from you guys and gals, and hope to keep at this for a while.  Until next time, don’t stop watching until you’re sure there are no nude scenes!