Tromeo And Juliet

Accuracy To Original Story: 7/10

Narrator: 10/10

Troma Film Status: 10/10

If only Shakespeare were alive to see what his simple play about puppy love and stupid kids could have become!  Romeo & Juliet, possibly the most over-rated and nauseatingly idiotic play to come out of the mind of a man (or a room full of monkeys), gets a much needed make-over by the one and only Troma Film group.  Why do I hate the play so much?  For being touted as the “greatest love story ever”, the relationship is based on nothing more than instant gratification and childish fantasy, culminating in their respective suicides and a bunch of sobbing(also, they were the cause of some murders…oops).  Troma Films elegantly handles all of these issues with a more modern punk-rock backdrop and a lot of random sex/gore scenes, creating an enjoyable viewing experience that captures the heart and the mind…..well, not really, but it’s awesome anyway.

Don’t believe me?  Think that I’m an uncultured clown that wouldn’t know beautiful art if it came up and beat the crap out of me with the “Complete Works Of William Shakespeare”(subtle imagery)?  Well, you’re a pretentious douchebag, and here’s why Tromeo & Juliet is every bit as awesome as I say.

Narrator: Lemmy Kilmister

Mr. Kilmister showcases his trademark handlebars and soul-shaking voice, narrating throughout the entire film, and gives this thing the ass-kicking start that it needs.  Not only does he read some sonnets and the titles of the acts, but he also supplies some pretty badass music with his band, Motörhead(I seriously hope that I didn’t even need to say that, but I’ll humor the musically retarded).  With the mood set by this walking piece of beef jerky manimal, even the lamest of nature poetry (the worst kind of poetry) would get a tear from the burliest of bikers.

Rampant Sexual Scenes

The title characters may get it on, but that’s not good enough for Troma Films.  They manage to pile as much nudity, girl-on-girl action, masturbation, and sexual references as they can in to any scene that may be just a tad too long(or a tad too boobless).  Since the story takes place in a very punk-rock world, though, I dare say that it is neither tacky nor out-of-place(it’s probably both, but I’m a dude), but I guess it doesn’t necessarily move the plot along.  It’s like having pepperoni on your pizza(or bacon on your anything): you could have it without, but what’s the point?

Troma Shock Value

Really, the greatest part of any Troma film is the shock value provided by their complete lack of taste or tact.  There certainly isn’t a lack of any of that here, as the standard head-smashing and blood-gushing moments that I’ve come to know and love appear again and again.  The play is already violent, but when you turn the noblemen of Shakespearean times into tweekers and punks, you are in for a world of gross and uncomfortable scenes.  Plus, they throw in little gems like the monster penis seen above, as well as a pregnant stomach bursting to reveal popcorn and rats.  Just go with it.

Alternate Ending

Instead of getting bummed out by watching some teeny boppers throw their lives away over some naughty touching, Tromeo and Juliet have to face a slightly different challenge.  In order to get out of her engagement, Juliet takes a potion that makes her look like a cow-thing.  Afterwards, Tromeo saves her from her abusive father and they are free to run off together….almost.  The bomb is dropped that they are actually brother and sister, and so they can’t be together.  They think about it for a second, then say “f**k it” and run off together anyway.  6 years later they have two beautifully deformed daughters and one baby that looks pretty normal.  Take that, Shakespeare.

Good Old Fashioned Bad

There are far too many little touches to point out that would accurately cover this category, as is the case with only the finest of bad movies, but let me tell you that you will not be disappointed.  Every fart joke, every sound effect, and every background character is finely crafted to complete this cinematic experience frame by frame.  In fact, if you paused this movie at any point, and then framed the still image, I can guarantee that you would have the worst piece of art known to man.  That’s how great it is.

I could sit here and wax poetic until the cows come home, but let’s just wrap this up for now and call it a day.  If you have never seen nor read the original “Romeo and Juliet”, count yourself as lucky and continue doing whatever it is that you’re doing.  If you are familiar with the source material, and have long since removed the giant stick from your anus, then sit yourself down for a re-telling that will leave you speechless….and possibly pants-less.  Everyone else, do what you want, but don’t you dare say that I didn’t try to get you to expand your horizons and embrace your cultural heritage(I guess…).

Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, because good ones get too much attention.

P.S.  Keep an eye out for a special appearance by Troma Film’s two top guys, it really wouldn’t be the same without them:

Artwork by James Lee Stone

For more visual dominance, see the Stone’s Deviant Art page.  For more bad movie dominance, you know where to find me.

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