Kirk Cameron Being A Tool: 10/10
Emotional/Spiritual Catharsis: 0/10
Kirk Cameron is a douchebag. I hate him more than any other person in the universe, and that includes God, aliens, homeless people, and the assholes that work at the Hippy Gypsy. He is so pious and self-righteous that when I call him a “douchebag”, I literally refer to the way that his head is so far up his own vagina that he can actually clean and store all excess excrement. It’s the only way that I can explain all of the crap that spews out of his mouth on an almost impossibly consistent basis. Think I’m being too hard on old Kirk? Then I think you’re an idiot. On with the review!
Left Behind is the flagship of the Born-again Christian film movement, and that’s no accident. Based on the popular (among Christians) book series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins (soundly disproving the theory that two heads are better than one), this movie tells the story of all of the loyal followers of God (well, all the ones of a very particular religion) being suddenly whisked away to heaven, and the aftermath that takes place on Earth. No, the moon doesn’t turn blood-red and the sun doesn’t turn black like sackcloth, but a bunch of imaginable problems occur when people who are operating machinery (i.e. airplanes, cars, construction equipment) suddenly vanish in to thin air. And we, the audience, are lucky enough to see some of those stories.
I suppose the main plot of the story is focused on Buck Williams (lame), a world-famous television journalist played by Kirk “I overact to prove a point” Cameron. He is in the Middle East doing an investigative report on some new fertilizer when the sh*t (like anyone doesn’t know what word that is) hits the fan. He makes it home and uses his strong investigative instincts to figure out that all of the devout Christians are gone, but refuses to open his eyes to the “truth”. There is then some pointless plot about the Anti-Christ taking over the U.N. and plotting the destruction of the holy land, but it doesn’t really seem to matter in comparison. Buck is there for all of the twists and turns, and he finally realizes the error in his ways, but it’s too late for him! Luckily for us, he is now free to be in every single sequel and spin-off that the producers and authors can squeeze out. Way to go, Kirk! You’ve managed to exploit thousands of people AND give yourself a consistent job, so now you can focus on doing TV shows and appearances to showcase your ability to be irrational and create illogical assumptions based on random and unrelated facts. Asshole.
Another plot, this one aimed at people who think religion is useless, tells the story of commercial pilot Rayford Steele (these names are ridiculous). He has a wife, some kids, and a stewardess (or “flight attendant” if you actually believe it matters) on the side, so he’s really busy. When his wife disappears during the “event” (sidenote: The Event is a crappy show), he is faced with the reality of his existence. He goes from being selfish, angry, impatient, and troubled to flipping a complete 180 and becoming understanding, calm, kind, and full of grace for the Lord. He even starts to read the Bible to his teenage daughter (who doesn’t give a crap) to show that he’s changed, even if it is too late. The problem is that he has absolutely no character development between these two extreme lifestyles. It’s like he just flipped a switch, and that’s retarded (the bad kind). Really, the only plus side to this story at all was that it, for the most part, took the camera off of Kirk Cameron long enough for me to calm down and not throw a copy of Darwin’s The Origin Of Man through my TV set. Well, that and a quesadilla.
The rest of the supporting cast do their part to play every role as stereotypically as possible, trying to showcase Cameron in the role he was born-again to play. The simplistic nature of the film helps to ensure that you understand the message that is being forced down your throat, though I imagine that anyone who thinks this is a good movie probably can’t handle “too much brain-workin” anyway. If you have the opportunity to see this movie, go ahead, but I will give you this warning: it plays like a video that was originally meant to brainwash children, but was produced by brainwashed children. If you are faced with the chance to see it and decline, go out to Taco Bell and treat yourself to a burrito, because you are a winner at life. In closing, I would just like to say “Screw You Kirk Cameron. You are a jackass.”
Until next time, children of the world, keep watching those bad movies, and if you see Kirk Cameron walking down the street, please punch him in the nuts.
P.S. Kirk Cameron thinks that it’s offensive to say we evolved from monkeys. I think it’s offensive to say that God made Kirk Cameron. I mean, he came up with the “crocoduck” to refute evolution, for f**ks sake. I respect people and their beliefs (for the most part), but this just makes everyone (seriously, the entire human race) look stupid: