Space Sex: 7/10
Dimensions: 9/10
Ending: 1/10
Everyone can remember the first time that they watched a movie and went “this blows”, and I’m pleased to say that this is mine. I watched it again just to make sure that I wasn’t remembering it incorrectly, but I guess I was just as awesome at recognizing bad movies back then as I am now. It did bring back some fun memories of hanging out at the movie theatre when I was a kid, though. Ironic that my job now is to kick people out of movies for doing the same things that I used to love doing, but I suppose that’s just one of life’s fun little twists. Anyway, this one is going out to my HLP and best friend, Chris.
The deep space rescue ship, Nightingale, is busy floating aimlessly through space when it comes across a distress signal originating very far way. The only thing to do is to activate the warp drive (or whatever it’s called) and bend space to get to the signal as quickly as possible. Of course, this means that the crew has to be isolated in their own pods, otherwise their bodies would be horrifically mangled during the warp. Such is the case with the captain, whom we just got to know. His pod has a leak or something and his face gets fused to his pod’s glass door, so that’s a bummer. Also, the ship arrives in the middle of an asteroid field near a high-gravity moon right by a high-gravity star, and things don’t go well. They lose a bunch of fuel, have major structural damage, and almost crash-land on the moon.
When they finally get settled in to an acceptable orbit, they calculate that the high-gravity star will explode just 11 minutes after their ship recharges. With such a small window, everyone is on edge, so they have space sex and then worry about the distress call. It was sent by the ex-boyfriend of the medical officer, but when they pick up the shuttle carrying the caller, he’s much too young to be the same man. He immediately starts acting like a douche and claims to be the son of said ex-boyfriend, out treasure-hunting for……treasure. They search his shuttle and discover a strange glowing object, and after careful analysis, they find out that it’s a 9th dimensional bomb!!!!!(OMG)!!!!!!!!
Dudes in space never where shirts...why would they?
The object is designed to replenish the elements in the universe by blowing everything up, but if a person touches it then that person gets younger and stronger. The stranger is actually the medical officer’s ex-boyfriend, but now he’s younger and stronger than ever, and determined not to lose his special item. He starts killing everybody one-by-one, and slowly transforms into an uglier version of himself. James Spader is finally able to trick him in to following the bomb in to an expendable part of the ship, which they then blow up as the star comes close to exploding…or the bomb…I’m not really sure which at this point. Jerkwad destroyed all but one of the stasis pods, so the two surviving crew members, James Spader and the medical officer, have to share a pod during the warp jump. It goes surprisingly well, and the only complications are that they both have two different colored eyes now, and the girl is somehow pregnant. It makes no sense.
I realize that I didn’t mention any of the names, and that’s because they just weren’t all that important. The cast was alright, since James Spader is always welcome in my bad movies, and Lou Diamond Phillips is just all-around awesome, but the characters were poorly developed. Everybody keeps having space sex at random points while they are stuck in this life-or-death situation, which I suppose is fine, but no one on board is qualified to repair the ship. They do throw in complex situations like drug problems to help humanize the characters, but when you associate closer with the talking computer than anyone else, you know that there are some writing problems to look in to. I remember thinking that this movie should have been the first 15 minutes of a real movie when I saw it as a kid, and I have to agree with Little Bob. I don’t really recommend it, since there is nothing really fun/cool/interesting/useful about it.
Special thanks go out to Chris for the suggestion, I’m glad that I got to relive hating this from my past. Keep watching those bad movies, even if your stranded in deep space with James Spader. Chances are that he’s in a lot of them.
P.S. The supernova from the explosion is going to hit Earth in 51 years and either destroy it or make it awesome. They just threw that in at the end, so I will, too.
Consider your ass La Bamba'd
*UPDATE* Since I apparently cater to the James Spader Fan Club, I’ll give a gift to the ladies that grace my blog with their presence.
Yada, this one's for you. I tried to find his most legit photo. (Actually, I just googled "James Spader" and this came up)
Bob's Bad Movie Blog 
You’re right. That was a crappy movie. Thanks for the reminder. Although… I wouldn’t mind being stuck in a pod with James Spader.
You are welcome, but you should consider raising your “Who I Want To Be Stuck In A Pod With” bar a little.
Can’t agree with you, BadMovieBob. I too would love to be stuck in a pod with James Spader. I loved him in his movies and I loved him as Alan Shore in The Practice and in Boston Legal. To me he just rocks!
I guess that explains why they always put him in b-movies where he just has a bunch of sex…
Yes, he was in a lot of Independent movies, but he has made films where sex scenes are not one of the major parts of the film (Stargate, True Colors, Wolf, etc). It just happens that some of his most memorable films have included either major sex scenes (White Palace, Crash, and Secretary) or a character with sexual complexities (sex, lies, and videotape; Crash; Secretary). In most of his films there may be one sex scene or a bedroom scene (like in most R rated movies), but that is usually it. This whole reputation really seems to have sprung from him doing Cronenberg’s Crash. Without that one film I doubt most folks would perceive him to be an actor who does sexually explicit movies. That being said he probably is one of the more uninhibited of Hollywood’s legit actors when it comes to doing nudity and sex on screen…and for his fans that’s just fine. 🙂
I appreciate (and am a little disturbed by) your interest in James Spader, but I would like to point out a couple of things.
1. Of course he was in films where sex was not the major theme, but as you said, the films where it was happen to be his most memorable.
2. He is also known for doing extremely psychological and disturbing roles, which is why many people also percieve him as being creepy and unrelatable, somewhat type-casting him to roles in more independent features as a result.
3. There is no silent “s” at the end of “fan”. I would have assumed that you were trying to make it plural, but then I realized how crazy that sounded.
4. James Spader is not who I would consider a “legit Hollywood actor”, whatever that even means.
5. “Crash” was a terrible movie. And quite possibly an upcoming review.
6. James Spader was considered for my ever growing list of “bad movie badasses”, and even though I enjoy seeing him pop up every now and then, he just doesn’t make the grade.
7. Diversify your examples.
Anyway, I’ll update this entry with a special gift for you, just so you don’t get mad at me when you read this. Have a good one.
In response:
1. Very true.
2. Very true again.
3. I know quite a few very devoted Spader fans, so the plural is a fact!
4. A thespian, rather than a porn star.
5. To me Crash was an interesting, but very disturbing film. I still do not know why Cronenberg even tried to film James Ballard’s book. I can only guess he relished the challenge.
6. Except for a spate of movies in the mid to late 80’s Spader seldom played the bad guy; although I loved his hitman in 2 Days in the Valley. Over his career he has played far more flawed protagonists than antagonists.
7. Huh?
Oops forgot to add…Have a good one, too!
Thanks for the picture. sex, lies, and videotape is one of my favorite movies. 🙂
You are fiesty and opinionated…I love it. Come back any time, you’ve proven yourself worthy. Next time, though, bring bacon.
Thanks for the joust and the invitation. Just as a little addendum, I had the opportunity to meet James Spader and his companion Leslie Stefanson last year in NYC and they are both very very nice people. Perhaps that is why I stick up for the guy; not only do I emmensely enjoy watching him act , but he is “good people” besides.
Given the choice, I’d rather back Michael Keaton, but to each his/her own.