Everyone can remember the first time that they watched a movie and went “this blows”, and I’m pleased to say that this is mine. I watched it again just to make sure that I wasn’t remembering it incorrectly, but I guess I was just as awesome at recognizing bad movies back then as I am now. It did bring back some fun memories of hanging out at the movie theatre when I was a kid, though. Ironic that my job now is to kick people out of movies for doing the same things that I used to love doing, but I suppose that’s just one of life’s fun little twists. Anyway, this one is going out to my HLP and best friend, Chris.
The deep space rescue ship, Nightingale, is busy floating aimlessly through space when it comes across a distress signal originating very far way. The only thing to do is to activate the warp drive (or whatever it’s called) and bend space to get to the signal as quickly as possible. Of course, this means that the crew has to be isolated in their own pods, otherwise their bodies would be horrifically mangled during the warp. Such is the case with the captain, whom we just got to know. His pod has a leak or something and his face gets fused to his pod’s glass door, so that’s a bummer. Also, the ship arrives in the middle of an asteroid field near a high-gravity moon right by a high-gravity star, and things don’t go well. They lose a bunch of fuel, have major structural damage, and almost crash-land on the moon.
When they finally get settled in to an acceptable orbit, they calculate that the high-gravity star will explode just 11 minutes after their ship recharges. With such a small window, everyone is on edge, so they have space sex and then worry about the distress call. It was sent by the ex-boyfriend of the medical officer, but when they pick up the shuttle carrying the caller, he’s much too young to be the same man. He immediately starts acting like a douche and claims to be the son of said ex-boyfriend, out treasure-hunting for……treasure. They search his shuttle and discover a strange glowing object, and after careful analysis, they find out that it’s a 9th dimensional bomb!!!!!(OMG)!!!!!!!!
The object is designed to replenish the elements in the universe by blowing everything up, but if a person touches it then that person gets younger and stronger. The stranger is actually the medical officer’s ex-boyfriend, but now he’s younger and stronger than ever, and determined not to lose his special item. He starts killing everybody one-by-one, and slowly transforms into an uglier version of himself. James Spader is finally able to trick him in to following the bomb in to an expendable part of the ship, which they then blow up as the star comes close to exploding…or the bomb…I’m not really sure which at this point. Jerkwad destroyed all but one of the stasis pods, so the two surviving crew members, James Spader and the medical officer, have to share a pod during the warp jump. It goes surprisingly well, and the only complications are that they both have two different colored eyes now, and the girl is somehow pregnant. It makes no sense.
I realize that I didn’t mention any of the names, and that’s because they just weren’t all that important. The cast was alright, since James Spader is always welcome in my bad movies, and Lou Diamond Phillips is just all-around awesome, but the characters were poorly developed. Everybody keeps having space sex at random points while they are stuck in this life-or-death situation, which I suppose is fine, but no one on board is qualified to repair the ship. They do throw in complex situations like drug problems to help humanize the characters, but when you associate closer with the talking computer than anyone else, you know that there are some writing problems to look in to. I remember thinking that this movie should have been the first 15 minutes of a real movie when I saw it as a kid, and I have to agree with Little Bob. I don’t really recommend it, since there is nothing really fun/cool/interesting/useful about it.
Special thanks go out to Chris for the suggestion, I’m glad that I got to relive hating this from my past. Keep watching those bad movies, even if your stranded in deep space with James Spader. Chances are that he’s in a lot of them.
P.S. The supernova from the explosion is going to hit Earth in 51 years and either destroy it or make it awesome. They just threw that in at the end, so I will, too.
*UPDATE* Since I apparently cater to the James Spader Fan Club, I’ll give a gift to the ladies that grace my blog with their presence.