Eyeborgs

Sword Fights: 0/10

Robots: 9/10

Danny Trejo: 8/10

In this chilling look in to a possible future of privacy invasion, someone gets the bright idea to equip extremely maneuverable robots with cameras, dubbing them the titular “eyeborgs”.   The title alone makes this a bad movie, but it gets so much better/worse.  The main character is actually played by former Highlander and dreamboat, Adrian Paul, with a special guest appearance by Mr. Badass himself, Danny Trejo.  Mix in some unexplained artificial intelligence, and you got yourself some bad movie gumbo ready for the eating!

R.J. “Gunner” Reynolds (Adrian Paul) lost his wife and child to a maniac who shot them while they were on a playground.  He then testified this to the Supreme Court and was able to gain enough public sympathy that the Eyeborgs were put in to official use.  Part of this “official use” was the initiation of ODIN, a network that basically connects every camera in the world to a central server controlled by the government.  With ODIN in place, police were given a powerful tool to track down criminals, but it came with a price.  Since the camera footage was admissible as evidence, it was never questioned, and thus the first battle against machines was lost.

It soon becomes pretty obvious that the robots know what the hell is going on, and they have the interesting ability to create videos and render them in real-time, essentially creating whatever illusions that they want people to believe.  They begin to murder people who try to expose them, and then release footage to the police of their victims doing something illegal.  When the nephew of the President comes to Gunner and tells him that the eyeborgs attacked him and killed someone else, the Highlander begins to take things seriously.  He decides to protect the boy, who is supposed to be playing music at the President’s next speech (which, by the way, doesn’t make any sense).

Cute AND deadly.

Gunner discovers that the boy is unknowingly carrying a bomb in his guitar, and runs to the speech house.  Once inside, he makes a terrible discovery: there is no president.  The eyeborgs have completely taken over the government, and are simulating the President nationwide to keep the population under control.  The eyeborgs then begin to attack Gunner and his men, leading to a very long battle between man and machine.  Gunner is finally able to locate the boy, fight his way out of the building, and grab some actual footage of the destructive eyeborgs on the way.  The bomb goes off, and everyone assumes that the President is dead, so the eyeborgs simulate the Vice President taking over.  Gunner and the kid become refugees, hiding from the eyeborgs, and beating them up at every opportunity.  God bless America.

Pretty terrible, I must say.  It’s not clear as to why there is actually a bomb in the guitar, because it’s not clear who put it in there.  Also, the difference in technology between the eyeborgs and everything else is pretty radical, considering these things are completely maneuverable and independent.  The dialogue was terrible, and though there are obvious references and parallels to the PATRIOT Act, the whole concept for why eyeborgs started being used is stupid.  I know people who bitch about cameras on the freeway, so I’m pretty sure a walking camera would bug people the fuck out.  Anyway, this isn’t really a “need to see” movie, but if you want to watch a flashy rant about the government for 90 minutes, then check this out. 

Until next times, kids, keep watching those bad movies, and they’ll watch you right back.

P.S. There can be only one. 

And it's Christopher Lambert.