Psychic Powers: 7/10

Fourth Wall: 0/10

No F**king Reason: 10/10

It’s extremely rare when I venture out of the dark cave of awesome that I live in to go to a theatre AND pay to watch a movie (I’ve got connections).  There are few concepts that will intrigue me enough to warrant such a quest, but the idea of a tire that comes to life and goes on a murderous rampage is just too good to pass up.  In fact, I’ve been waiting specifically to see this movie in a theatre since I was told about it by Everet, one of my many fans (perhaps you’ve seen it sitting in my movie queue).  Well, the local indie theatre finally showed it in one of their tiny crappy auditoriums, and I was right there to capture all of the bad movie glory.

What makes the movie special right away is that it begins with a character in the movie talking straight to the camera.  He gives a very well written speech about movies that have no reason for certain parts, and then goes on to say that this movie is dedicated to the philosophy of “no f**king reason”.  As it turns out, he’s actually speaking to a crowd of people in the desert, all of which have gathered to watch the movie first-hand through binoculars.  They spot the tire as it begins to show the first signs of life, and then continue to observe it as it learns to roll…and kill.  Small things at first, cans and bugs, but when it tries to run over a glass bottle, it learns of a different ability: the tire can focus and blow things up with its mind.

Rolling down the road, the tire begins the follow a girl in a sporty car, but is soon thrown off track by a hick in a red truck.  The tire blows up the man’s head, and then follows the girl to a seedy little motel in the middle of nowhere.  A young boy witnesses the tire kill a maid, but his warnings fall on deaf ears, until the local sheriff arrives (the man who gave the speech in the beginning).  He explains that everything is just a movie, and nothing is real, so there is no reason to panic.  He has apparently poisoned all of the spectators, which means that there is no more reason for the movie to keep going if no one is watching it, but he missed one guy.  Since he still has an audience, everything is still real, and the sheriff puts out an APB on the tire.

The tire doesn't 'spare' them. Damn, I'm clever and sexy.

Meanwhile, the tire (whose name is apparently “Robert”), has been angered by being thrown in a pool and tossed around.  He (I’m assuming it’s a guy) goes on a massive 3-day killing spree, and the sheriff finally catches him sitting in a room watching TV.  A decoy with explosives is set outside of the door, and the plan is to make the tire kill it/himself. After debating the value of the plan with a couple of people, the explosives finally go off and the tire is destroyed.  The one spectator comes down to enjoy the final show, but is shocked to learn that the tire has been reincarnated as a tricycle!  Needless to say, everyone dies, and the tricycle (formerly the tire) begins to assemble a tire army.  They go rolling down the road as the credits roll on the screen.

Honestly, I can’t really do this movie justice by writing about it.  The concept and execution are done so well that it pulls the film out of ludicrousy and into the realm of enjoyment.  The lack of a fourth wall pulls the viewer immediately in to the madness, and the writing is almost too clever for what is going on around it.  True, many will find that this is a strange and boring waste of time, but those people are what I like to call “the blockbuster morons”(you know, the people who make sure shitty movies make a lot of money at the box office).  Trust me, the irony of saying that I hate people who pay to see shitty movies is not lost on me, but let me say in my defense that I never add to film grosses for 99.9999999999999% of the crap that comes out, and if anything I help take away from it.  If you don’t buy that, then let me say I don’t care.

Thanks again to Everet for bringing this to my attention, and thanks to some of the gang that went with me to see it.  Until next time, keep watching those bad movies.  No reason, just keep watching them.

P.S. I really wanted to say that the tricycle was putting together an “en-tire” army, but I held back.  I’m awesome.

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