Roller Skating: 10/10

All-Star Cast: 1/10

Stereotypical 1 Black Kid: 8/10

“What’s the hardest part about roller skating?  Telling your dad that your gay.”  How many times have I heard that joke since I decided to strap on some roller blades and have my dog tow me around the neighborhood?  Too many times.  In the 1980’s, though, roller skating was the “raddest” thing around, and anyone who could skate well was automatically cool(it’s a historical fact, check if you dare!).  So, “Solarbabies” was born to show that even if the world ended, roller skating would still be the only real way to stick it to authority…that, and Flock of Seagulls haircuts…

The world has become desolate, all water strictly controlled by an evil government/company(think Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome or Tank Girl).  All the kids around are raised in huge orphanages that resemble prisons, and the only joy they have in life is to play Skateball-shooting a ball into a tall basket while roller skating around a circular field.  The story focuses on one team in particular-the Solarbabies(and that’s pretty much all the title has to do with the movie).  The have found a strange orb in a cave that can communicate with them telepathically.  It can heal the wounded, fly around, and make it rain(make it rraaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnn!!!!!!!!!), so it becomes a bit of a hot commodity.

When the orb, named Bo-dye, is stolen by a fellow orphan and taken into the desert, the Solarbabies break out of the orphanage to find it.  They become enemies of the state and are to be captured or killed, depending on who finds them(oh no, hopefully not the guy in the pleather nazi suit!).  The Solarbabies travel around the world(by roller skating), and get in and out of little jams until they are rescued by some freedom fighters(all of whom are too tired to fight anymore).  Looks like they can just live a nice, peaceful life under a glacier for water…..

"I see you like shoulder pads...I also like shoulder pads..."

 Nope!  Can’t just let Bo-Dye be destroyed(for seemingly no reason…), so they all put on their armor(Skateball pads) and go off to fight an army(on roller skates).  It’s a whole lot easier than I thought it would be, to see them break into a “well-guarded” facility by vaulting an electric fence and ripping apart a randomly exposed electrical terminal.  They make their way to the chamber where Bo-Dye is being held(not sure how they know where to go, but they do), and use their mad skating skillz(with a z!) to defeat the bad guys and free Bo-Dye(who, for the record, was never really in any danger since it’s invincible).  Bo-Dye thanks them by destroying the dam that regulates water and by creating a storm cloud so it can once more rain on the Earth.  I’m not sure why the damn thing didn’t just do that in the first place, but hey, the kids earned their freedom and everybody seems happy.

I really felt like there was no reason why the kids had to go through hell to get this orb, since it could fly, shatter into a thousand pieces(they play Skateball with it at one point!), and did whatever it wanted anyway.  I guess it wanted the kids to learn…something…but that really doesn’t make any sense.  The bad guy was a little too evil when you remember that he’s dealing with kids, and the whole idea of the Earth no longer raining is just ridiculous.  All-in-all, not a terrible movie, but you shouldn’t try to think about too hard…

If you have a bad movie I should watch, let me know!

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