Critters

Space Bounty Hunters: 9/10

Alien Menace: 9/10

Homemade Explosives: 8/10

I think that there were two movies in the 80’s where they tried to make otherwise cute creatures into evil monsters.  The first, and in my opinion the more successful one, was Gremlins, where you had a cute little furball that turned into a scaly bastard if you fed it after midnight(or something, I forget the rules).  The next one was “Critters”, where they start off as little furballs with poisonous spikes and razor-sharp grins, and then just keep getting bigger. 

The Krites(AKA Critters) are locked up in a space prison, but manage to escape by stealing a ship(I’m sure its more complex than that, but that’s all we see).  The prison warden summons two of the galaxy’s best bounty hunters to track down the little vermin and wipe them out, before they have a chance to feed.  The pursuit begins, while the Krites manage to make it to Earth in pretty good time.  They land near a farm in a rural community and decide it’s lunch time.

The farm is inhabited by a mother, father, son, and daughter, who all have a very “American” way of life(Dad farms and bowls, Mom cooks and cleans, son loves blowing things up, daughter likes making out with boys in the barn).  They soon discover that they are under attack from these little “critters”, and the horrors begin.  The Krites can roll around as cute furry balls, fire poisonous barbs from their backs, and grow in size as they eat.  The family becomes trapped in the house, praying for a rescue, when the son decides to run for help.

You have to respect the hair…or else

The son lucks out, and just happens to run into the two bounty hunters from space.  They’ve taken human form and have been tearing the town up looking for the Krites, and they finally have a lead.  They take their big space guns and go around the farm, blowing it to pieces and getting most of the Krites.  One has grown very large, though, and it kidnaps the daughter and takes her back to the ship as a mid-flight snack.  The son races to the rescue with one of his homemade sticks of dynamite(made out of fireworks, I guess) and rescues his sister, throwing the dynamite into the ship as they exit.  Since it’s not lit, they fashion a quick Molotov Cocktail and next thing you know, you’ve got a blown up ship.  Before they blow, however, they are able to take a shot at the family’s house, destroying it beyond repair(Krites are kind of dicks…). 

With the Krites gone and the house destroyed, the bounty hunters take it as a cue to leave, job well done.  They give the son a device that apparently rebuilds houses, and leave for the stars.  When everything seems almost back to normal, a new horror arises….eggs.  The end?

 

I loved the bits with the Krites talking, since they are fowl-mouthed little jerks.  There is just something adorable about mean little guys talking about eating and killing, then rolling into balls and running around.  I don’t know, maybe it’s just me.  Plus, the bounty hunters were badass in this, going around the town and messing up everything from the church to the bowling alley.  Not the best movie I’ve watched in the past couple of days, but I’m glad that I finally watched it. 

 

Until we meet again, keep watching bad movies!