Bitch Slap

Cleavage: 10/10

Nudity: 0/10

Gratuitous Girl-On-Girl Water Fight: 9/10

Thank god for this blog giving me an excuse to watch a movie like this without feeling like a pathetic loser or a desperate pervert.  True, this movie goes a long way to make sure you need to constantly adjust your……seat, but I can’t imagine someone thinking that this is a very legitimate movie outside of a 14 year-old who can’t buy porn.  Me?  I am fully capable of buying whatever I feel like(Porntopia shout-out), so I was able to enjoy the cinematic touches(what little there were) that were thrown in to try to disguise the fact that this movie was a poor excuse to get 3 hot woman into a variety of sexy situations.  But I digress.

The story focuses on three girls: Hel, the brains of the outfit who dresses like a sexy business woman; Camaro, the muscle who wears anything that looks tough and whorish; and Trixie, a stripper who dresses like…..a stripper.  It begins In Medias Res(that’s fancy teacher talk for “in the middle of the story”, don’t say I never taught you nothin) when the girls arrive in the middle of the desert at a strange camper.  They open the trunk and remove a guy that probably knows something important, and they ask him were they can find what they are looking for.  When he doesn’t cooperate, Camaro takes care of him, making Hel upset and Trixie cry.

From here, the story continually bounces back and forth from the present to the past(just like that crappy show, “The Event”), revealing little bits of the plot with quasi-clever juxtapositions(dropping literature terms like a boss) in order to move the story forward.  The idea is that Hel works as a secret agent, and she needs to get a top-secret bomb away from Gage(the guy in the trunk), who is a sleezebag that keeps trying to sell it.  She gets put into a prison with Camaro(since Camaro knows Gage), and develops a partnership(among other things) with her in order to use her.  They both hire Trixie to seduce Gage so that they can discover the whereabouts of his desert vault, but he catches her in the act of rifling through his stuff(not that stuff).  He loses the fight when Camaro busts in and throws him in a trunk, taking us to present day.

Trixie, Hel, Camaro….in that order….

With Gage dead, the girls now have to deal with a bigger problem: Pinky.  Pinky is a legendary crime boss that no one has ever actually seen, and he is going to be after them for killing his man.  They hurry their butts and try to find the hidden vault(taking the obligatory water fight and make-out breaks), all the while becoming more unnerved.  Camaro starts to go crazy, Hel becomes much more secretive, and Trixie is…..Trixie.  A bunch of random things happen, but the really important thing is that Trixie turns out to be Pinky, and she has set everything up in order to get back her Samurai sword that was taken by Gage.  Hel gets her bomb, and Camaro gets blown away.  In the end, nothing mattered, because EVERYBODY worked for Pinky.  So…..way to invalidate your entire movie just to have a cool twist, guys!

Interesting side note: a bunch of Hercules/Xena cast members pop up in here, including Kevin Sorbo and Lucy Lawless.  You will kindly note that nowhere in the movie is there a lesbian scene that goes beyond “heavy petting”, and I find that offensive.  Also, I want to give the writer a high-five for actually finishing this script, and having the vision to say, “As long as we get hot chicks in it, it will work.”  You were half right, sir.  If you actually read into movies and enjoy substance, then stay away!  However, if you are not opposed to an obvious excuse to see girls run around in skimpy outfits while trying to say words(how adorable), then feel free to waste 105 minutes.  For me, it was a little too long and made me sore on the inside.

Keep watching those bad movies, guys and gals, it’s what makes you appreciate the good ones!