The Hills Have Eyes 2

Bad-Ass Dog: 10/10

Predictability: 9/10

Disgusting Mutants: 2/10

Sequels!  Always with the sequels!  I was actually asked to watch The Hills Have Eyes 3, but after an extensive search(I just looked on IMDB), I have come to the conclusion that the movie in question does not exist(Lethal Weapon 5!).  This being the case, I can only assume that I am supposed to watch The Hills Have Eyes 2, a bad follow-up to a bad movie that was remade to be a worse follow-up to an even-worse-still movie.  If you thought that didn’t make sense, then we are on the same page.  Make no mistake, however: I’m dealing in original movies here.

For those who didn’t see the first one, or missed the horrible remake, here’s the rundown: a family on vacation breaks down in the middle of the desert and is attacked by a tribe of cannibals that have been mutated by the nuclear tests that have gone on in the area.  One guy and a baby survive the ordeal, as well as one of the mutants who decides to become a good guy.  Lastly, the family dog(a German Shepherd named “Beast”) runs around kicking ass, and makes it out alive, too.

In this next chapter, it’s 8 years later, and the mutant(a girl named Ruby) has become a productive member of society.  When Billy, the survivor from the first movie, refuses to go into the desert with his BMX team, Ruby steps up and says that she can run the show with little problems.  Everybody gets on a bus(including 8-year-older and 8-year-wiser Beast!) and heads into the desert, where a random shortcut finds them(wait for it…………………………………………..) stranded in the desert.  Ruby thinks she sees her brother(thought to be dead), and suddenly people start disappearing one-by-one.

Scary-looking or Funny-looking?

There’s nothing really shocking from this point on.  All of the deaths are pretty straight-forward stabbin’s, smashin’s, or breakin’s for the most part, and there isn’t a whole heck of a lot of gore, either.  Ruby’s brother, Pluto, is working for Uncle Jupe’s(the bad guy from the first movie) older, more retarded brother, Reaper, and is apparently doing alright for himself.  When he tries to put Ruby in her place, she is saved by Pluto’s worst nightmare-Beast.  He nearly killed Pluto in the first movie, and after Beast has a little flashback, he’s ready to finish the job(like a good boy!).  He chases Pluto around for a bit, and then pushes him off a cliff!  How badass is that?  On a scale of “Good” to “Great”, that’s somewhere around “F*** Yeah!”  Meanwhile, a blind girl and the only surviving dude take on Reaper, who is apparently immune to explosions, but not to falling down mine shafts.  The hills can finally rest their eyes for a little while, I suppose.

I don’t think this movie was that bad, when you get down to it, but I by no means think it was that good, either.  It was just…there.  I couldn’t really be scared of Pluto running around and talking like a child(if anything, I was just happy for that guy finding an acting job with his…..condition), and I couldn’t be scared of Reaper because he reminded me of Harry from “Harry and the Hendersons”(awesome show reference, Bob).  I thought that Ruby switching sides for the sequel was a genius move; other than that and the return of Beast, everything else didn’t matter.  Only watch this if you are a die-hard horror fan and need to see everything ever made.  Otherwise, you will be disappointed.

Thanks again to Vince for the suggestion!  I don’t know if this was the right movie, and I don’t know if you wanted me to watch the original or the remake, but whatever.  It’s done, and I can always do a “Movie Remake Remix” later with the new ones.  Until next time, you all watch bad movies….and I’ll watch bad movies…..and we’ll see who goes crazy first.

If anyone was wondering who the weird-looking guy from The Hills Have Eyes is, his name is Michael Berryman-horror movie badass.

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