Hellbound

Kicks: 8/10

Acting: 5/10

Beard Of Steal: 10/10

This is actually only the second Chuck Norris movie that I have reviewed, which is kind of a surprise to me.  It might be out of some mutated form of respect (but it’s probably just because I have so many other movies to watch), but I’m sure all of his gems deserve to be in my bad-movie crown (I’m looking at you, Sidekick).  Hellbound brings together several fun elements including the Devil, roundhouse kicks, Chuck Norris, and the standard urban partner that the straight-edge cop usually becomes paired with.  Recipe for greatness if there ever was one.

Chuck plays a cop named Frank Shatter (hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha), and his partner is the streetwise Calvin Jackson (if you were in a movie in the 90’s and you were black, there was a 72.4% chance that your character’s name was “Jackson”).  During a routine pimp/hoe interaction, they accidentally stumble upon a murder scene in a hotel.  An old man has had his heart ripped out of his chest, and even though Shatter shot the killer in the chest twice, he still got his ass handed to him.  The only real clue that they find as to what is going on is a strange golden artifact.  Back at the station, the Chief orders the duo to escort the body of the old man back to Israel, where they will be questioned by the local police (sounds like standard procedure to me).

When they arrive, they are immediately put in their place by the Israelli Chief of Police, who assures them that they have no authority.  After being questioned for several hours, Shatter has a chance to beat up some guys waiting in his hotel room, and he and Jackson begin to look for clues.  They are informed by the assistant of a very prominent professor that artifact they have is part of nine pieces that, when assembled, form the Staff of Prosatanos, the physical body of the Devil.  An antiques dealer later verifies this, but doesn’t live too much longer as a result.  It seems that the only person who can really give them any answers is the professor who seems to be always on the move.

I miss 90s buddy cop movies...

Shatter begins to investigate the travelling professor, and discovers that all of the trips that the professor has made correspond with worldwide deaths and robberies.  He and Jackson race to the professor’s home, and find that he has assembled the Staff of Prosatanos, and plans to sacrifice his assistant (who is a princess, I guess) to unleash his true power.  The professor is Prosatanos!  Shatter isn’t too keen on that concept, and gives the Devil a pretty decent ass kicking.  Unfortunately, Prosatanos can’t be beaten so easily….unless you impale him with his own staff.  Shatter spears him like a champ, and just like that….poof!  He’s gone.  The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he was a match for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris did play a little bit more of a badass in this movie than in others, but his moral compass was still set in stone.  He lets some punk punch him in the face just for laughs, which is pretty sweet, but then he spends time trying to reform a street kid who like to pick pockets.  This was a Norris family project, by the way, because Aaron Norris (the youngest) directed it and Eric Norris (the deadest) was the stunt coordinator.  I bet every day started with a 4-hour beard wrestling competition, and ended with using the extras as frisbees to play frisbee golf (that would actually make frisbee golf cool).  This movie wasn’t all that bad, but it doesn’t have as many fight scenes as I would like.  Watch it if you’re a Chuck Norris fan, otherwise you may be disappointed.

Until next time, little ones, keep watching those bad movies, or I swear that I will roundhouse kick you around the world straight in to another roundhouse kick.

P.S. Some inspirational words…