Planet Of The Vampires

Vampires: 0/10

Zombies: 2/10

Colorscope Glory: 9/10

I don’t ask for much when I watch movies, but I do expect a whole lot from the title.  For instance, if you have a film called Planet Of The Vampires, then I am going to assume that there is a vampire in it at some point.  I probably sound like every cheap wannabe who has written about this movie, but I still feel that I need to cover this ground right away.  The true title should be “Planet Of The Zombies”, or, more appropriately, “Planet Of The Ghost Aliens”, because that not only sounds cooler, but it also gives me a much better idea of what I’m getting myself in to.

I wish this guy was a part of the crew...

We start with a very sterile looking spaceship and its intrepid crew.  The interior is like the Star Trek Enterprise, if it were designed by German nightclub owners.  Suddenly, the ship begins hurtling toward a nearby planet with a gravitational force of over 40 G’s (I’m assuming that it powerful, but I’m not a science man), and the crew is struggling to remain conscious.  Right before they crash down, the ship slows to a gentle landing, but the fun isn’t over.  Fights start to break out as the crew seemingly lose their minds, and only the Captain remains sane enough to slap some sense in to everybody (literally).  With people returning to what passes for normal, they all begin to explore the surface of the planet which apparently has a completely dandy atmosphere.

They stumble upon their sister ship that has also crash-landed, and discover that the entire crew is dead or missing.  They set out to bury the bodies, but when they return to their own ship, they find that the dead have mysteriously disappeared.  As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, the dead bodies keep coming back to life and attack the living, but they seem to go down easily enough.  During the excitement, the Captain has a chance to go on an adventure to an alien ship, and make some moves on his hot (but hopelessly ditzy) blonde lieutenant, so he checks out for a bit, and then returns to get to the bottom of all of the trouble.  Set your faces to stunned: Alien Ghosts that can possess bodies.

There should be a strobe light and German techno playing in the background of this scene...

The Captain gives your basic “We Will Never Yield” speech as the (fucking) alien tries to convince him of the benefits of possession, and soon it’s an all out brawl between living bodies and possessed dead bodies.  In a shocking twist, the aliens manage to capture the space ship and take over the Captain, but one rogue person remains free (until they kill him).  He manages to destroy the Meteor Repeller machine (you can guess what that does…) with his final breath, and the aliens are forced to make an emergency landing on the nearest available planet.  Here’s where it gets all Twilight Zone in your business:  They have to land on Earth, so this entire movie is about two alien species fighting each other.  I hate aliens.

So, the ending is a pointless twist, but it’s still better than anything Mr. M. Night Fuck-You-Audience has ever come up with.  The exterior of the planet seems to be an experiment with different lighting gels, but I feel it really shows the depths of greatness that Colorscope can achieve.  The aliens are pretty basic effects (Star Trek could easily trump it with its worst designs), and the crew themselves have no real individuality (save for the women, who do a phenomenal job of screaming, freaking out, and requiring men to make them feel safe (suck on that feminists)).  All told, not a particularly good movie in any sense, but it gets credit for being the predecessor to many great sci-fi movies that would come out in the future, some of which I’ve already reviewed, and for that, it has my acceptance.

Well, another job well done by me, so until next time, dogs and cats, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep talking like I actually know what I’m saying.

P.S. If you hate aliens as much as I do, and you have a Twitter account that is woefully un-awesome, then you should follow my friend, @DeathToAliens.  He kills aliens for fun!

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