100th Post Special

It’s been a long and winding road, but I’ve finally made it to the coveted 100th post that most people only dream about when they start some crappy blog.  Well, I’m still here, and I intend to keep going (quite possibly after I take a little vacation).  I’ve been wracking my brain trying to decide what would be the most worthy subject of this illustrious post, and I think that I found a good place to start.  Presenting my Top 10 Favorite Bad Movies of All Time!

#10-Total Recall

Chick With Three Boobs: 10/10

Thinking It’s The Real Quaid: 10/10

Getting Your Ass To Mars: 10/10

What doesn’t this movie have?  Mr. Snarlnold himself takes us on a wild thrill ride to Mars, which may or may not be an elaborate mental vacation set up by the Total Recall company.  He faces mutants, aliens, soldiers, the mob, himself, and even fights the atmosphere of Mars, all because he tells himself to.  Yeah, its confusing, but it’s so worth it.

Open Your Mind!

#9-Batman Forever

Nicole Kidman: 10/10

Riddles: 10/10

Soundtrack: 10/10

You can say what you want about this installment of Batman, but it stands as one of my personal favorites.  Not only does it have a great soundtrack and unique feel, it stars Val Kilmer (whom people often tell me that I look like) as the Dark Knight.  This colorful addition introduced Robin, the Riddler, and Two-Face (not to mention a bat-suit with nipples) as well as showcasing Nicole Kidman who just looks amazing as a blond.

OK, the suits are a little lame, but the action figures were not.

#8-Darkman

Origin Plot: 10/10

Darkman’s Powers: 7/10

Vengeance: 9/10

Liam Neeson shines as the title character, Darkman, in this work by the man who would eventually go on to direct Spider-Man, Sam Raimi.  The plot is simple: a man becomes horribly disfigured and gains abnormal strength, which he then combines with his ability to manufacture fake faces in order to become anyone he chooses.  He just needs to rescue his girlfriend from the mob, because she’ll love him no matter what he looks like….right?

Wrong. Love has limits.

#7-Battlefield Baseball

Needless Violence: 9/10

Super Baseball Powers: 9/10

Fun Nonsense: 9/10

Great times with one of my favorite Japanese actors, Tak Sakaguchi.  He will be appearing again a little bit later, so keep your eyes open.  This movie is the unlikely story of a school that must play baseball against another team that is notorious for slaughtering it’s opponents…literally.  Only the legend, Jubeh the Baseball, can help them to stand a chance, but can he overcome a personal tragedy to save them?

For their sake, I hope so.

#6-Demolition Man

Incorrect Sayings: 10/10

Virtual Sex: 0/10 (on principle)

Demolition: 10/10

You may be thinking that this is not a bad movie, but that’s because you’re not as trained as I am.  This is a special kind of bad movie that can roam around with good movies almost undetected…I call it a “daywalker”.  Anyway, this watered-down version of “A Brave New World” tells the tale of an L.A. cop that gets frozen for 32 years, and wakes up in a blissful utopia where everything is lame.  How the hell do those 3 sea shells work?

What seems to be your boggle?

#5-Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey

Besting Death: 10/10

Air Guitars: 10/10

Station: 10/10

The “Bill And Ted” movies are great, but I do like the second on better thanks to the addition of William Sadler as The Grim Reaper.  The story here is that evil robot Bill and Ted come from the future to kill good human Bill and Ted, who in turn have to return from the afterlife to build good robot Bill and Ted in order to save the princesses.  Oh, and one of my bad movie badasses, Ed Gale, plays the smartest creature in the universe.  Station!

Whhhooooooooooooaaaaaa.

#4-The Return Of The Living Dead

Zombies: 9/10

Teenager Stereotypes: 10/10

Nudity: 7/10

My favorite zombie movie, this classic from the ’80s shows why you should never cremate a zombie during a rainstorm.  Such eternal questions as “why do zombies eat brains?” and “what do zombies feel?” are finally answered with the classy backdrop of a cemetery and a funeral home.  The cast?  A group of punk-rock kids who don’t obey the rules, some virgins, some geeks, a guy who is slowly becoming a zombie, and any other zombie-movie standard that you can think of.  All around awesome.

Lookout! He's slowly going to get you!

#3-Tokyo Gore Police

Gore: 10/10

Disturbing Scenes: 10/10

Originality: 10/10

The shock-gore genre that Japan has apparently created is highlighted in this masterpiece.  When an insane villain discovers how to turn a person’s injury in to an organic weapon, a series of monsters called “Engineers” begin to sprout up all over the city.  Only one cop is strong enough to defeat them, and it happens to be a hot chick with a short skirt and sword.  The battles eventually leads her back to her own past, and she must have the courage face a dark truth.

He's not shooting blanks with that thing.

#2-Anything With Michael Keaton

Action: 10/10

Comedy: 10/10

Drama: 10/10

Possibly the greatest actor the world has ever known, Michael Keaton has been gracing us with his presence since the ’70s, and he has only gotten better with age.  True, many of his movies have never been the critics’ favorites, but his trademark eyebrows and brilliant delivery bring even the crappiest of films blazing in to Oscar-worthy territory.  I have come across the odd person who said that Michael Keaton might not be every bit as awesome as I say, but then I realized that all of those people had learning disabilities, and you shouldn’t be mad at the less fortunate.  Here’s to Michael Keaton!

He IS the Batman.

Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only thing better than Michael Keaton is more Michael Keaton.

 

 

 

 

Looking good, Michael! (I'm not gay)

 

 

 

 

 

 

#1-Versus

Mobsters: 10/10

Zombies: 10/10

Sword Fights: 10/10

There is nothing that is not awesome about this movie.  Starring Tak Sakaguchi (mentioned earlier), directed by Ryuhei Kitamura (my favorite director), and dealing with an enchanted forest where the dead come back to life, Versus is none stop ass-kicking from start to finish.  The dialogue is superb, the characters are intense, and the backdrop is….OK, the forest backdrop gets boring after a little bit, but it serves of purpose.  Can Prisoner KSC2-303 remember his former life and stop The Man from opening the 444th portal to the other side?  Or will the world be plunged in to darkness?  Witness the eternal battle between good and evil!

 

He's a superzombie!

 

Well, there you have it, my personal Top Ten as it stands right now.  True, many of the movies that I have watched so far on this blog have been really good, and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t consider adding a couple, but I hate to be repetitive.    Also, I’m glad that I had the chance to mention a couple of these, since I never have the chance with all of the other movies I’m constantly watching.  As always, feel free to tell me about your favorite bad movies, or just about bad movies in general.

Until next times, boys and girls, keep watching those bad movies, because they may turn out to be your favorites.

P.S.

Don't touch my girl you f**king asshole.