Welcome one and all to another great review that will be shared between myself, who is the master of bad movies, and Chako of The Awesome Man’s Burden, who is the master of all things drunken. I tried for the title recently, and found myself lost in a Vegas casino crying in a pool of my own self-pity. I’m going to have to deviate from my standard format, because the movie this time deviates from standard awesome. That’s right, I am fully endorsing Chillerama to anyone who wants to watch a bad movie done right, and I’m doing it at the beginning, instead of at the end, of the review. Another brilliant suggestion from Mark LaRue, this campy faux-classic chronicles the last night of a failing drive-in, where people are excited to see 4 movies for one final fright. The bonus is that we the audience get to watch the movies, too, so in essence this baby is a bunch of bad movies for the price (and time) of one. Shall we begin?
Let’s kick things off where they should always start…with a guy about to screw his dead wife’s corpse. Now I know what you’re thinking, and yes, as incredibly hot as this sounds, it takes a very quick downward spiral when the wife springs to life and bites off her husband’s widow maker. Clawing out of the grave, the husband realizes that he’s late for work, and stumbles to the drive-in, where they are having a quadruple feature. Still time for him to jerk off in the concession area while blue zombie pus is spilling from his crotch, though!
Sperm Count: 1/10000000000
Starting off this night right, we first get to watch Wadzilla, the chilling tale of a sperm gone wild. Our main character, Miles, is just a normal guy with an abnormal sperm count: one. He goes to visit his doctor, and wouldn’t you know it, he’s given an experimental new drug to try to pump that number up a bit. Unfortunately, the new drug has an adverse side effect, and instead of giving him more swimmers, it just beefs up the one he already has. Now, every time he gets aroused, his balls start to ache like mad, and the only cure is a visit to the good ol’ fist doctor (he has to jerk off, if that wasn’t clear enough). Once freed from it’s dickular prison, however, the testy tadpole is able to grow exponentially, and it’s appetite for blood (and boobs) grows with it. Soon the sinister stain-maker is 5 stories tall, and has its eyes set on the Statue Of Liberty (who, let’s be honest, we’ve all wanted to bang at one point. European chicks…). Though the army tries to stop it with a condom of XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL Magnum proportions, they are reduced to blowing this particular load with huge missile, causing a splooge-nami to engulf the entire city. Fin.
Back to the drive-in, and it seems like something nasty has gotten in to the butter for the popcorn (besides the actual butter itself). What will happen to all of the people innocently snacking on their overpriced concession items? No time to ask that now, because our next fun feature is up!
I Was A Teenage Werebear
Probably the weakest of the 4, I Was A Teenage Werebear is a light-hearted quickie that combines the musical qualities of Grease with the back story of any good werewolf film, but with one exception: The werebears are gay guys that turn in to big and hairy gay bikers with a preference for assless chaps and a lot of leather. Our young hero and real-life gay porn star, Ricky, is having trouble getting it up for his gal. When she is brutally maimed in a horrific car accident, however, he cares more about the dreamy guy that pulled him to safety. Soon he becomes bitten (on the ass), and the true nature of his new friends becomes apparent. Cursed to turn in to a werebear whenever he becomes sexually aroused, Ricky vows to stop his blonde beau from causing a bloodbath at the next school dance. There is only one way to stop a werebear, however, and it’s not a silver bullet… Ready for this? Ass-rammed with a giant silver dildo. Can’t make this stuff. Seriously. He ass-rams the dude with a silver dildo. Rama-lama-ding-dong, this one is over.
How are our kids doing back at the drive-in? Well, at this point, it’s pretty evident that things are going awry. People are starting to change in to the undead, but there is still time to feel up your girl and strap in (or on) for the next show!
The Diary Of Anne Frankenstein
German Accuracy: 6/10
Probably my favorite of them all (despite the lack of chesticles), this black-and-white beauty tells about what really happened to Anne Frank, which was basically that she was shot. Hitler kills her and her family, orders the creation of her depressing journal, and discovers the secret Frankenstein Diary. He knows that with it, he can create the ultimate undead monster and turn the tide of the war to his favor. He sets out to create Mushugannah (I apologize to my Jewish readers if this spelling is wrong, but seriously, fuck Hebrew), a giant Franken-Jew, and attempts to teach it the simple command of “kill”. Though it is able to master puzzles and accounting (shocker), the concept of killing comes a little slower to the big brewski, until it finally snaps and murders everyone, including everyone’s favorite moustached mad-man, the big A-dolf. Mazel Tov!
With the drive-in now overrun with the undead, the “final movie” of the night is destroyed, but the rest of this feature is far from over. I present to you the final film for us, the real audience.
Movie Catch Phrases: 10/10
People are dropping left and right, and soon the core characters that we’ve come to relate to are all that remains. They, too, however, are not having the best of luck, and soon it’s only two kids and the drive-in manager that remain. Luckily, the manager has a hidden armory in his office (all theatre managers do), and he suits up for war. Trying to help the kids get to a car so that they can escape, he spouts off every movie quote he can think of while he’s dropping zombies left and right. A final sacrifice with a grenade, and the kids are able to make it to their car safe and sound. They can’t start it, however, so it looks like there is only one thing left to do: bang.
Great ending, right? It was one of those beautiful moments when I called out for something to happen, and it did. Each film has a different style to it, thanks to four different directors, so you’re not really ever bored at any point. The random and carefree writing can seem immature at times, but if that bothers you, then go watch one of those crappy Oscar winners you jackass. There really was a whole lot to see here, and I strongly suggest this one to be viewed with a group. And alcohol. And maybe a stripper or two. Also nachos. Bottom line, make it an event, because when you get four-for-one, you’re not just getting a great bargain, you’re making your sad and pathetic life have a glimmer of meaning, if only for the smallest of seconds.
Special thanks to Mark LaRue for the suggestion, and a big thank you to Mark, Chako, Giorgio, and Gio for having the good sense to sit down and have your faces rocked with me during this one. Don’t forget to check out The Awesome Man’s Burden, where Chako lends his expert drunken opinion to this steaming pile of greatness. Thanks for stopping by, boyles and ghouls, and if you have a local drive-in, do yourself a favor and take a cheap date there (you know what I mean by cheap). Until next time, keep watching those bad movies, and I’ll keep trying to figure out why sodomy is so funny.
P.S. Needed more tits.